She gave me a hug.

I don’t trust stairs.

My girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate…

I love my sleep like I love my money… .

"Running Late."

Gravity is already pushing my hairline back for free.

Every time I open it, I cry.

I’m not saying I’m clumsy,

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.

I was going to tell a time-travel joke

She just called me trash

. I like to call it selective participation.

I don’t mean to brag,

I named my dog "5 Miles"

Mercedes bends

"What’s the word on the street?"

I used to be addicted to soap,

I told my WiFi we needed to break up.

I have a split personality…

I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.