Snack drawer rule #1: it's never empty, unless you live with me

I love deadlines, especially the part where I pretend they don’t exist

My bed has this magical power of reminding me of everything… right before I sleep

Starting my diet... right after I finish eating my way through all my regrets

Phone at 5%? Time for the ultimate life-or-death speed run

The awkward moment when you realize the only person listening to you is yourself… and even you’ve stopped paying attention

Searching for the TV remote: AKA playing hide and seek with your furniture

Accidentally opening the front camera: the ultimate betrayal

Remembering something embarrassing from 10 years ago like it happened yesterday… and cringing for the next hour

Googling symptoms: where a paper cut leads to “rare tropical disease” in two clicks

Online shopping at 3 AM: where you go to fill your cart with dreams and regrets

Waking up two minutes before your alarm and feeling like you outsmarted the universe

“Let’s split the bill,” and I only had a glass of water – story of my life :)

Home alone, hear a noise, suddenly I’m Sherlock Holmes investigating

Get cozy in bed, then realize I forgot to turn off the light… why, universe?

Tired but still watching “just one more episode” like a pro insomniac

Seeing someone running and wondering if there’s a zombie apocalypse I don’t know about

Clean the car, and of course, it rains the very next day

Fully ready to leave, but my phone’s at 3% – betrayal!

“Never mind” – my way of saying I’ve completely lost the will to explain