I have gym membership guilt without the gym membership.

My bank account has joined the witness protection program.

“It is what it is” — me, accepting another bad decision.

Tried to be spontaneous, accidentally took a nap.

I blinked once and suddenly it’s 2032.

My coping mechanism? Memes and denial.

I'm the reason “Are you still watching?” exists.

Some days I’m the main character. Most days I’m background noise.

Me: Overthinking. Also me: “Why am I tired?”

I was born tired and now I nap professionally.

I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need a million dollars.

I don’t have attention span. I have… ooh, a butterfly!

I romanticize life. Even my laziness has aesthetic.

My life is a mix of “what the hell” and “meh.”

I only run when I hear “last slice.”

I tried to glow up, but the power went out.

Me at work: “I quit.” Me after lunch: “Just kidding.”

Every “5-minute break” I take lasts a full Netflix episode.

I’ll stop procrastinating tomorrow. Or the day after. Or eventually.

My toxic trait? I check the fridge like it's a mood board.